Dear Dairy Cow,
Lately, I've been very... tired. Brain and body tired, much to the point where I feel like a tenth shade of myself. Some days are good, but I can tell the amount of anxiety and lack of health has been dragging me down.
I mean it's just the constant work, like I never had a break during the summer and probably worked much harder. IN addition, there's a social and outdoor element that I don't get to explore. I worked 60 hrs a lot of weeks. I spent my weekends super tired and on off brand days where no one is available.
Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and I had a weekly repeat mia offence over September. My skin feels saggy and I look at myself two years ago as a completely different person. One with energy for original thoughts and activities. I see myself as a very husk-like version of that.
It's caused me to have a lot of doubts about my relationship. How can I be in one while I'm in so much pain? I can't rely on that person to fix me and I'm so sad and tired all the time that I get stressed that he'll fade away regardless. When I do mention feeling depressed and stressed, I can tell he's uncomfortable having dealt with a past girlfriend threatening to swallow a bottle of pills.
On top of that, I'm super confused about the feels in general. We've yet to pop the ILU bubble. My reason being mostly that he had enough trouble expressing feels at first, and like.. what if I dont? I remember being On top of that, I'm always just doubting why he's with me in the first place. I'm a negative shitbag, and one day I caught him just smiling while he was walking out of the grocery store. There was no one there, he was just smiling. Sometimes I think I should release him from my downer clutches so I dont ruin his happiness. I dont want to suck his lifeforce. So yes, concern concern. Hmm. On the other hand, he randomly carved K + S = <3 in a piece of linoleum which I suppose was his attempt to try to bring that up. I dont know. Someone once put that on a park bench. I wonder if it's still there.
I don't know. Just laying it out here for some therapeutic release. What do I like about my life?
Well, just did a couple recordings where I nailed a triple harm. I like where I live and Airbnbing my place. I'm looking forward to opening a brew pub. Christmas is right around the corner which means I get to shop for my fam... always enjoyable. I still need to plan a vacation. I've started doing smart financial planning things... (this chick has life insurance).
Boy comes anon. bye for now, dairy cow.