update

My mind doesn't feel my own. I feel challenged at scraping together positivity that is easily dashed by my anxieties and dark thoughts. I constantly think of my life as a waste. I circle through my days with dread for work and self-hate for the way I look and act.

Without any close friends, I've become isolated. I'm petrified of reaching out to someone new out of fear of rejection and awkward moments. How can a zombie make friends? I try to crush my discomfort by emptying my mind on television and filling my stomach with produce. This is an ex-ana current bp's sorry attempt to quell appetite and appease emotions.

I hate the loss of control I feel when my mind sinks into this state of despair. It's like I'm looking at life from the bottom of a well and I can't pull myself out to take part in life.

It's been a long time since I created anything or felt proud of who I am. I wish I could take a break from it all and rediscover who I am. The barriers seem endless.

The only respite I have from these feelings is in my boyfriend, who has finally admitted that of course he loves me. This has only begun to shine light on my own issues as, of course, love is not the solution. I worry that my relationship with myself is an end to ours. He doesn't understand what it means to be pitted against yourself. I don't want my dark cloud to be his, but he's one of the only things that can cheer me. However, his being so perfect makes me stress about even possibly being good enough.

I think the most surprising thing I learned this year is that he's never felt depressed and that there may in fact be others like him.

It's been a dark two years.

Perhaps my next post will be a recount of the year to consider the things I have done, not what I haven't.

Dear Dairy Cow

Dear Dairy Cow,

Lately, I've been very... tired. Brain and body tired, much to the point where I feel like a tenth shade of myself. Some days are good, but I can tell the amount of anxiety and lack of health has been dragging me down.

I mean it's just the constant work, like I never had a break during the summer and probably worked much harder. IN addition, there's a social and outdoor element that I don't get to explore. I worked 60 hrs a lot of weeks. I spent my weekends super tired and on off brand days where no one is available.

Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and I had a weekly repeat mia offence over September. My skin feels saggy and I look at myself two years ago as a completely different person. One with energy for original thoughts and activities. I see myself as a very husk-like version of that.

It's caused me to have a lot of doubts about my relationship. How can I be in one while I'm in so much pain? I can't rely on that person to fix me and I'm so sad and tired all the time that I get stressed that he'll fade away regardless. When I do mention feeling depressed and stressed, I can tell he's uncomfortable having dealt with a past girlfriend threatening to swallow a bottle of pills.

On top of that, I'm super confused about the feels in general. We've yet to pop the ILU bubble. My reason being mostly that he had enough trouble expressing feels at first, and like.. what if I dont? I remember being  On top of that, I'm always just doubting why he's with me in the first place. I'm a negative shitbag, and one day I caught him just smiling while he was walking out of the grocery store. There was no one there, he was just smiling. Sometimes I think I should release him from my downer clutches so I dont ruin his happiness. I dont want to suck his lifeforce. So yes, concern concern. Hmm. On the other hand, he randomly carved K + S = <3 in a piece of linoleum which I suppose was his attempt to try to bring that up. I dont know. Someone once put that on a park bench. I wonder if it's still there.

I don't know. Just laying it out here for some therapeutic release. What do I like about my life?

Well, just did a couple recordings where I nailed a triple harm. I like where I live and Airbnbing my place. I'm looking forward to opening a brew pub. Christmas is right around the corner which means I get to shop for my fam... always enjoyable. I still need to plan a vacation. I've started doing smart financial planning things... (this chick has life insurance).

Boy comes anon. bye for now, dairy cow.

Hot n bothered

Hot summer nights (8)

I sampled some beer at Sobeys for four hours, cleaned my apartment and drafted an Airbnb. I thought my memory card got zapped but I was able to take this insufferable selfie.

A charming couple told me I sold them with a smile after asking if I just finished at Gravenhurst high. Time to pick up some minors at the bin.

NOte to self

Couple things, me.

Whenever you know you wanted to run but when it's time and you've finished your chores and it looks like it's gonna be kind of  cold and you might  not like going out there, so maybe wait til tomorrow -  just put on your spandex, sports bra and fresh socks and you will feel it.

Whenever you're sad, remember that all it takes is a quick car ride with somebody and your heart will turn over.

BSCB at the Opera House

Last night we played at the Gravy Opera House with Miranda M. It is so much spookier playing in a fully captivated audience than a loud bar with half a crowd of drunks. This was cool. We had a sparkly dressing room, food and gifts downstairs. The best pay just to play 3 songs as part of the final act in the summer gala.

I can't begin to speak to how much this family means to me. I can be totally consumed by my job, but  that feeling disappears when I go to practice, shows or try to act smart with my team at trivia.

Miranda was totally inspiring, time to pick up the old violin that randrew made me.

Life be happening.

My baby takes the morning train

It's not often that I'll admit to myself that things are going well. More often than not, I find myself cheering 'why me', instead of relishing all the good that I have in my life.

But! I guess it's true that people move at different places. Especially so when your 3 yr girlfriend dumps you at family Christmas. My emotionally latent boyfriend has moved into doteland and I am queen! The other day be admitted to me that if I had been gone a little longer he could imagine missing me. Leaps. And. Bounds.

Otherwise, it feels like I was patient and something changed. How do I feel? I feel pretty like. Awestruck. At times. I do feel some insecurities considering his massive brain, but thankfully he's enough of a goob that it works.

The other day he randomly picked me up and I was super down because of people at work laying into me after my vacation. I was quiet and tired and he just puttered around me. I felt bad for being awkward until he just sat in front of me and hugged me. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and caught up in being lonely, but he pulled me out of dark and twisty.

I still haven't told him about my big bad. I'm scared that if I do, we won't be normal. Every time I say I'm not hungry it will be because of the sickness and I'll feel compelled to change my behaviour for the wrong reasons.

It hasn't been great lately. After I got back from Spain I had three instances in a week. It's so hard not telling anyone. I haven't been able to talk about it for years.

Anyways, I guess things are good but 25 yr oldly hard.


Of course, this wouldn't be an authentic log if I didn't insert the disclaimer that I have some marginal amount of grievances to keep me company.

Sometimes I miss my real best friend.
That I was terrible to.
He'd hate that.

Achoo!

Did you just get a chill?