another thing

Right, the original thought that inspired me to jump the keyboard.

I have issues. that is clear. But maybe I'm wrong in trying to keep up a relationship with someone who is so far from empathizing. Bf is just blessed to not experience this state of neurosis, but maybe that means he's not equipped to be with me... and I'm not equipped to be with someone so distant from this experience.

Is that crazy? Is that where I'm supposed to be like "oh no I am just telling myself that because I don't think I deserve someone that emotionally unscarred." I don't know. That's a good question.

That's deep br

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Christina P's podcast, That's Deep Bro. This is a major deviation from the crude stylings of Your Mom's House. In it, she talks psych and is kind and soft but tough as she answers her followers emails.

I'm considering writing her a message just for the hell of it with my own demons, but I thought I would use this space to vocalize the state of the union. These are the thoughts that rule the roost of my brain in this era of my life.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

I live in and out of seasons of doubt, but my faith in the relationship and my place in it is inflamed. I find myself growing more self-deprecating and losing my shine as a partner, through jealousy, self-hate and poor body image. In my mind, I still feel like I have nothing to offer in conversation other than girly things he wouldn't care about. I truly feel like I have lost every iota of substance I may or may not have had before I left school.

I find myself writhing with jealousy whenever a new female enters our lives. Just this weekend, I was beside myself with regret upon introducing myself to a girl at the bar that then joined our group.

Who is this girl? She's so much prettier than me. She's got fire and works as a vet tech which is way more relatable to the bf's line of work than mine. He's going to realize that I am nothing, that I am an ugly, vapid mentally damaged stepping stone to what he really wants.

Another thing. He is so positive and carefree and I feel like the opposite. I won't say that there are not days where I feel tremendous and confident, but it's a shaky tower that I fall off so easily.

Before we went to the bar, I did my make up, wore an outfit that hugged my body and felt gorgeous. I went to bf's house for a pre-show cocktail and his total lack of observation sent me in the dark and my whole attitude shifted. I closed up. On top of that, I was super-annoyed that I was waiting for him and he was in the middle of cooking and SUPPOSEDLY I was to go from there to the bar alone and he'd come later. But that does make sense. Why would we have pre-show cocktails and I assume any of that. So he's like "you're gonna miss the show!" what? pardon? nonsense. Anyways, that's petty but it just compounded my feelings. I turned and I knew I was turning and become awful. What's worse is I'm so aware of my attitude that I feel very bad about it and it just feeds the spiral.

So I don't know. I'm moving soon, and I want to start seeing a psychotherapist before I do myself and my relationship in... because as Christina says, the more you air your self-doubt and affirmations about all of your negative qualities to your other, the more they'll believe them. That self-fulfilling prophecy I sing to myself "I'm not good enough" will eventually come true. I don't think I can count on bf to endure all that.

Today, I feel scared and aversive. But I have a little hope that I can pull myself out of this head space.

I know that my biggest enemy is myself.