Things I learned in therapy:
When girls hit puberty, a whole bunch of feelings and awkwardness take over not only their bodies, but their minds, Duh. It was something that always bothered me, but didn't consider to even be a common issue. Many girls go through a long stage where they lose their voice to self-consciousness, and while they're worried about what to say and how to act, the guys are being wackjobs and goofing around. Girls really lose themselves to this performance where they hold back their true self.
If I had any memory worth using I would tell you the name of some beautiful 60's feminist who included this idea in her 60's feminist book. She wrote that most women experience a long phase of self-supression until their 50's or 60's.
I remember when I was in public school and all of a sudden I wasn't me anymore. I closed up like book. Nothing I said was important and everything I said would exile me to the farthest depths of social exclusion. Soon I began barely speaking at all. I spent a week at summer camp and I barely said a word to anybody. I still feel that this was a rare case among my peers and this muteness lasted a very long time. To add to my my anxiety, my sister had just started high school. This girl that I emulated, who I thought was the coolest and smartest older sister I could get was in the big box down the street. Little did I know that she was experiencing I guess a whole new realm of adolescence. As I was just starting into puberty, she corrected my words and how I acted in public and at home. It sucked dick, and obviously as a young girl I took it to heart. I was wrong, I acted weirdly, I couldn't trust myself.
Barely speaking and showing off my low self-esteem, my dad finally took me aside. I'll always remember what he said to me in a small hallway outside the home ec room. This must have been while I was in grade 8. I had popped in the music room with him, and stood there while he spoke to my jazz instructor and quickly left ahead of him once he was done. He grabbed my shoulders and looked at me straight in the face, something I avoided at all costs. "You have to try Sarah. You have to try to talk to people. You won't even look me in the eyes. What's wrong? You look so sad. Just go back in there and be there. Try to just make eye contact."
Okay well I think that's what he said.
It really stuck with and while I may not have changed my ways in a snap, it helped. If someone spoke to me I STARED at their eyes like a hawk. I wanted to prove to myself that I could and that this would fix all my social anxiety. Aha, that's what came out of a questionnair they gave me on 7A at Sick Kids. The results are in: she has poor body image and severe social anxiety. No freaking duh. Anyways, it's interesting, I began noticing that people felt awkward making eye contact. At the time, I blamed it on myself, but really everyone has shit that makes them nervous.
I can't believe I posting this on the internet. TBC, Spanish time chicos.