My mind doesn't feel my own. I feel challenged at scraping together positivity that is easily dashed by my anxieties and dark thoughts. I constantly think of my life as a waste. I circle through my days with dread for work and self-hate for the way I look and act.
Without any close friends, I've become isolated. I'm petrified of reaching out to someone new out of fear of rejection and awkward moments. How can a zombie make friends? I try to crush my discomfort by emptying my mind on television and filling my stomach with produce. This is an ex-ana current bp's sorry attempt to quell appetite and appease emotions.
I hate the loss of control I feel when my mind sinks into this state of despair. It's like I'm looking at life from the bottom of a well and I can't pull myself out to take part in life.
It's been a long time since I created anything or felt proud of who I am. I wish I could take a break from it all and rediscover who I am. The barriers seem endless.
The only respite I have from these feelings is in my boyfriend, who has finally admitted that of course he loves me. This has only begun to shine light on my own issues as, of course, love is not the solution. I worry that my relationship with myself is an end to ours. He doesn't understand what it means to be pitted against yourself. I don't want my dark cloud to be his, but he's one of the only things that can cheer me. However, his being so perfect makes me stress about even possibly being good enough.
I think the most surprising thing I learned this year is that he's never felt depressed and that there may in fact be others like him.
It's been a dark two years.
Perhaps my next post will be a recount of the year to consider the things I have done, not what I haven't.