another thing

Right, the original thought that inspired me to jump the keyboard.

I have issues. that is clear. But maybe I'm wrong in trying to keep up a relationship with someone who is so far from empathizing. Bf is just blessed to not experience this state of neurosis, but maybe that means he's not equipped to be with me... and I'm not equipped to be with someone so distant from this experience.

Is that crazy? Is that where I'm supposed to be like "oh no I am just telling myself that because I don't think I deserve someone that emotionally unscarred." I don't know. That's a good question.

That's deep br

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Christina P's podcast, That's Deep Bro. This is a major deviation from the crude stylings of Your Mom's House. In it, she talks psych and is kind and soft but tough as she answers her followers emails.

I'm considering writing her a message just for the hell of it with my own demons, but I thought I would use this space to vocalize the state of the union. These are the thoughts that rule the roost of my brain in this era of my life.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

I live in and out of seasons of doubt, but my faith in the relationship and my place in it is inflamed. I find myself growing more self-deprecating and losing my shine as a partner, through jealousy, self-hate and poor body image. In my mind, I still feel like I have nothing to offer in conversation other than girly things he wouldn't care about. I truly feel like I have lost every iota of substance I may or may not have had before I left school.

I find myself writhing with jealousy whenever a new female enters our lives. Just this weekend, I was beside myself with regret upon introducing myself to a girl at the bar that then joined our group.

Who is this girl? She's so much prettier than me. She's got fire and works as a vet tech which is way more relatable to the bf's line of work than mine. He's going to realize that I am nothing, that I am an ugly, vapid mentally damaged stepping stone to what he really wants.

Another thing. He is so positive and carefree and I feel like the opposite. I won't say that there are not days where I feel tremendous and confident, but it's a shaky tower that I fall off so easily.

Before we went to the bar, I did my make up, wore an outfit that hugged my body and felt gorgeous. I went to bf's house for a pre-show cocktail and his total lack of observation sent me in the dark and my whole attitude shifted. I closed up. On top of that, I was super-annoyed that I was waiting for him and he was in the middle of cooking and SUPPOSEDLY I was to go from there to the bar alone and he'd come later. But that does make sense. Why would we have pre-show cocktails and I assume any of that. So he's like "you're gonna miss the show!" what? pardon? nonsense. Anyways, that's petty but it just compounded my feelings. I turned and I knew I was turning and become awful. What's worse is I'm so aware of my attitude that I feel very bad about it and it just feeds the spiral.

So I don't know. I'm moving soon, and I want to start seeing a psychotherapist before I do myself and my relationship in... because as Christina says, the more you air your self-doubt and affirmations about all of your negative qualities to your other, the more they'll believe them. That self-fulfilling prophecy I sing to myself "I'm not good enough" will eventually come true. I don't think I can count on bf to endure all that.

Today, I feel scared and aversive. But I have a little hope that I can pull myself out of this head space.

I know that my biggest enemy is myself.

Poster of a Girl

Interesting. I had a post here. Now it is gone.

Tonight I am meeting up with one of my oldest friends. After coming out, he later revealed that he was she. The first time I saw her again was possibly six years ago and I missed much of this transition. Still when I saw her at the party, she came over and gave me the biggest hugs. I felt pretty emotional and I won't lie, I really tanked at the whole she thing, having known one of my best friends with the most formative memories as he.

I know it's extremely hard to be in her shoes so it feels pretty childish to say bridging the gap was uncomfortable. For so long I had played and grown with him, at one point I even crushed on my friend that I was so close with. I apologized for my slip ups but she brushed it off with easy tolerance. The kind I should have had.

So now we're going to hot bellies this evening to watch my friends regular Thursday set. I hope we can catch up and I can overcome this weakness of memory so that my friend can be exactly who she is.

Eve.

attempt number 2

Late dinners mess up my dreams. You know when you wake up and for a good while you're convinced something actually just happened and in this dizzy spell you worry about its affect on your life? Yah, that's what avocados do to me too.

Let's see, I was suddenly IN ebay, and stressing out because this virtual reality game that I spent a whopping $1100 on wasn't selling as well as I'd hope. I woke up believing I had lost $600 and when I fell back asleep I was in this square 3D grid setting trying to hit the black and white cones so that the buyer would let me re-auction this item. Kind of a reboot like premise, fighting the user.

I was out the door by 7:15, puffing through the -19C to the same 50 songs I've loaded on my shuffle for weeks now. I really should wipe it and start over, but somehow Marianas Trench still makes me want to dance while my legs are burning.

My legs WERE red, along with a portion of my belly that my shirt kept sliding above under my purple running jacket. I need to find some kind of shell or super thick running pant for those days... maybe some silver tearaways. Now we're talking.

The rest of the day slowed right down. I got to work on some christmas gift pack designs, which is an exciting addition to my portfolio. I get so nervous about prepping this stuff, because I'm not a designer, and I don't have time to fully illustrate and vectorize 3different concepts before January (with the holiday). I just hope they don't hate it.

I had to go to home hardware after work to replace a space heater extension cord. I didn't know they even made ones THAT specific. This purchase was necessary to replace the cord I had ruined when I drove about 10km down highway 11 before realizing that I forgot to unplug the space heater that had been plugged in to keep the event beer from freezing overnight. I'm hoping to sneak this new one in without CW figuring out what really happened. $30 down.

I made these great cookies today for a work bake swap. I found the recipe in a sobeys holiday catalogue for Coffee Chocolate Crinkle cookies. REAL good, you mix in ground coffee which gives the dark chocolate a nice kick and crunch.

https://www.sobeys.com/en/recipes/coffee-chocolate-crinkle-cookies/

KC washed a couple tees for me and we watched a couple episodes of Kim's Convenience. It's interesting how much the social awkwardness in a show affects him. He gets real uncomfortable as I explain that this is how most situational comedies work. I guess if you watch nothing but Forged in Fire and documentaries, you're not exposed to this type of catharsis. Must be like how I feel when I watched the British version of the office.

I'm getting sleepy so I'll have to through this computer on the floor. Mental check in wise, I felt pretty good today, just focusing on dos not I don'ts. There was one moment where I got agitated when KC told me about adding to up next when I just wanted to listen to the song. Other than that, pretty positive, dodged a B.

 

attempt number 1

In light of my tendency to splurge on negative feelings, I am attempting to creative something passive or positive.

Today, I woke at 7am and debated the run. The thought process being... another half hour of sleep and I'm golden, it's probably too snowy, oh it looks like the plows have passed. But I'm so comfortable. I'll feel better if I do, I probably can't sleep. If I say no today, I'll open up nos tomorrow.

So I ran. And it was like trodding through the beach, but quite refreshing.

Then after I fixed a windshield wiper (I think), I entered the warehouse to collect some credit memos. CW seemed a little aggravated about counting kegs. He has an interminably grumpy condition that contrasts GW fantastically. GW is contagiously good spirited and a perfect foil to CW. I collected my things and drove to the brewery where i filled out all the event documents to close the case. I felt caught up in a lot of minor things in the morning until I finally got to work on my main current project, the xmas gift pack.

I left, dusted the windows and picked up a half hot chocolate for the drive home, informing bf that I would probably visit after prepping come cookies for the bake swap. I'm making coffee chocolate crinkle cookies, based on a recipe I found in the Sobeys cataloge. Very simple. I have this fear that I'll bp on whatever I collect, so I need a disposal gameplan. Who can I offload the cargo to? I suppose I could bring them to the Curries xmas party to share among friends and acquaintances. That way, they are not sitting in my apartment with a potential anxiety clinging to them, much like potential gravity clings to pigtails on the swing.

I visited bf and everytime I do, I realize how lucky I am to see someone turn towards me with nothing but joy, kisses, and the beginning of some kind of cabbage dish. I often don't feel seen at all in a role so visual as marketing. Any other reaction is usually one to one, me to me. Spinning around him in spirit and laughing at his roommate woes, I realize how much more at ease and stress free I am around him ever since the big L. It's funny how timid we still are around the sentiment. Each not sure how to treat the feeling. Do we acknowledge it with vigour or with caution?

I suppose it's been a good day when my lids are heavy enough to topple the opera house.

Good times at trivia as always.

Meeeee

update

My mind doesn't feel my own. I feel challenged at scraping together positivity that is easily dashed by my anxieties and dark thoughts. I constantly think of my life as a waste. I circle through my days with dread for work and self-hate for the way I look and act.

Without any close friends, I've become isolated. I'm petrified of reaching out to someone new out of fear of rejection and awkward moments. How can a zombie make friends? I try to crush my discomfort by emptying my mind on television and filling my stomach with produce. This is an ex-ana current bp's sorry attempt to quell appetite and appease emotions.

I hate the loss of control I feel when my mind sinks into this state of despair. It's like I'm looking at life from the bottom of a well and I can't pull myself out to take part in life.

It's been a long time since I created anything or felt proud of who I am. I wish I could take a break from it all and rediscover who I am. The barriers seem endless.

The only respite I have from these feelings is in my boyfriend, who has finally admitted that of course he loves me. This has only begun to shine light on my own issues as, of course, love is not the solution. I worry that my relationship with myself is an end to ours. He doesn't understand what it means to be pitted against yourself. I don't want my dark cloud to be his, but he's one of the only things that can cheer me. However, his being so perfect makes me stress about even possibly being good enough.

I think the most surprising thing I learned this year is that he's never felt depressed and that there may in fact be others like him.

It's been a dark two years.

Perhaps my next post will be a recount of the year to consider the things I have done, not what I haven't.

Dear Dairy Cow

Dear Dairy Cow,

Lately, I've been very... tired. Brain and body tired, much to the point where I feel like a tenth shade of myself. Some days are good, but I can tell the amount of anxiety and lack of health has been dragging me down.

I mean it's just the constant work, like I never had a break during the summer and probably worked much harder. IN addition, there's a social and outdoor element that I don't get to explore. I worked 60 hrs a lot of weeks. I spent my weekends super tired and on off brand days where no one is available.

Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and I had a weekly repeat mia offence over September. My skin feels saggy and I look at myself two years ago as a completely different person. One with energy for original thoughts and activities. I see myself as a very husk-like version of that.

It's caused me to have a lot of doubts about my relationship. How can I be in one while I'm in so much pain? I can't rely on that person to fix me and I'm so sad and tired all the time that I get stressed that he'll fade away regardless. When I do mention feeling depressed and stressed, I can tell he's uncomfortable having dealt with a past girlfriend threatening to swallow a bottle of pills.

On top of that, I'm super confused about the feels in general. We've yet to pop the ILU bubble. My reason being mostly that he had enough trouble expressing feels at first, and like.. what if I dont? I remember being  On top of that, I'm always just doubting why he's with me in the first place. I'm a negative shitbag, and one day I caught him just smiling while he was walking out of the grocery store. There was no one there, he was just smiling. Sometimes I think I should release him from my downer clutches so I dont ruin his happiness. I dont want to suck his lifeforce. So yes, concern concern. Hmm. On the other hand, he randomly carved K + S = <3 in a piece of linoleum which I suppose was his attempt to try to bring that up. I dont know. Someone once put that on a park bench. I wonder if it's still there.

I don't know. Just laying it out here for some therapeutic release. What do I like about my life?

Well, just did a couple recordings where I nailed a triple harm. I like where I live and Airbnbing my place. I'm looking forward to opening a brew pub. Christmas is right around the corner which means I get to shop for my fam... always enjoyable. I still need to plan a vacation. I've started doing smart financial planning things... (this chick has life insurance).

Boy comes anon. bye for now, dairy cow.