Poster of a Girl

Interesting. I had a post here. Now it is gone.

Tonight I am meeting up with one of my oldest friends. After coming out, he later revealed that he was she. The first time I saw her again was possibly six years ago and I missed much of this transition. Still when I saw her at the party, she came over and gave me the biggest hugs. I felt pretty emotional and I won't lie, I really tanked at the whole she thing, having known one of my best friends with the most formative memories as he.

I know it's extremely hard to be in her shoes so it feels pretty childish to say bridging the gap was uncomfortable. For so long I had played and grown with him, at one point I even crushed on my friend that I was so close with. I apologized for my slip ups but she brushed it off with easy tolerance. The kind I should have had.

So now we're going to hot bellies this evening to watch my friends regular Thursday set. I hope we can catch up and I can overcome this weakness of memory so that my friend can be exactly who she is.

Eve.

attempt number 2

Late dinners mess up my dreams. You know when you wake up and for a good while you're convinced something actually just happened and in this dizzy spell you worry about its affect on your life? Yah, that's what avocados do to me too.

Let's see, I was suddenly IN ebay, and stressing out because this virtual reality game that I spent a whopping $1100 on wasn't selling as well as I'd hope. I woke up believing I had lost $600 and when I fell back asleep I was in this square 3D grid setting trying to hit the black and white cones so that the buyer would let me re-auction this item. Kind of a reboot like premise, fighting the user.

I was out the door by 7:15, puffing through the -19C to the same 50 songs I've loaded on my shuffle for weeks now. I really should wipe it and start over, but somehow Marianas Trench still makes me want to dance while my legs are burning.

My legs WERE red, along with a portion of my belly that my shirt kept sliding above under my purple running jacket. I need to find some kind of shell or super thick running pant for those days... maybe some silver tearaways. Now we're talking.

The rest of the day slowed right down. I got to work on some christmas gift pack designs, which is an exciting addition to my portfolio. I get so nervous about prepping this stuff, because I'm not a designer, and I don't have time to fully illustrate and vectorize 3different concepts before January (with the holiday). I just hope they don't hate it.

I had to go to home hardware after work to replace a space heater extension cord. I didn't know they even made ones THAT specific. This purchase was necessary to replace the cord I had ruined when I drove about 10km down highway 11 before realizing that I forgot to unplug the space heater that had been plugged in to keep the event beer from freezing overnight. I'm hoping to sneak this new one in without CW figuring out what really happened. $30 down.

I made these great cookies today for a work bake swap. I found the recipe in a sobeys holiday catalogue for Coffee Chocolate Crinkle cookies. REAL good, you mix in ground coffee which gives the dark chocolate a nice kick and crunch.

https://www.sobeys.com/en/recipes/coffee-chocolate-crinkle-cookies/

KC washed a couple tees for me and we watched a couple episodes of Kim's Convenience. It's interesting how much the social awkwardness in a show affects him. He gets real uncomfortable as I explain that this is how most situational comedies work. I guess if you watch nothing but Forged in Fire and documentaries, you're not exposed to this type of catharsis. Must be like how I feel when I watched the British version of the office.

I'm getting sleepy so I'll have to through this computer on the floor. Mental check in wise, I felt pretty good today, just focusing on dos not I don'ts. There was one moment where I got agitated when KC told me about adding to up next when I just wanted to listen to the song. Other than that, pretty positive, dodged a B.

 

attempt number 1

In light of my tendency to splurge on negative feelings, I am attempting to creative something passive or positive.

Today, I woke at 7am and debated the run. The thought process being... another half hour of sleep and I'm golden, it's probably too snowy, oh it looks like the plows have passed. But I'm so comfortable. I'll feel better if I do, I probably can't sleep. If I say no today, I'll open up nos tomorrow.

So I ran. And it was like trodding through the beach, but quite refreshing.

Then after I fixed a windshield wiper (I think), I entered the warehouse to collect some credit memos. CW seemed a little aggravated about counting kegs. He has an interminably grumpy condition that contrasts GW fantastically. GW is contagiously good spirited and a perfect foil to CW. I collected my things and drove to the brewery where i filled out all the event documents to close the case. I felt caught up in a lot of minor things in the morning until I finally got to work on my main current project, the xmas gift pack.

I left, dusted the windows and picked up a half hot chocolate for the drive home, informing bf that I would probably visit after prepping come cookies for the bake swap. I'm making coffee chocolate crinkle cookies, based on a recipe I found in the Sobeys cataloge. Very simple. I have this fear that I'll bp on whatever I collect, so I need a disposal gameplan. Who can I offload the cargo to? I suppose I could bring them to the Curries xmas party to share among friends and acquaintances. That way, they are not sitting in my apartment with a potential anxiety clinging to them, much like potential gravity clings to pigtails on the swing.

I visited bf and everytime I do, I realize how lucky I am to see someone turn towards me with nothing but joy, kisses, and the beginning of some kind of cabbage dish. I often don't feel seen at all in a role so visual as marketing. Any other reaction is usually one to one, me to me. Spinning around him in spirit and laughing at his roommate woes, I realize how much more at ease and stress free I am around him ever since the big L. It's funny how timid we still are around the sentiment. Each not sure how to treat the feeling. Do we acknowledge it with vigour or with caution?

I suppose it's been a good day when my lids are heavy enough to topple the opera house.

Good times at trivia as always.

Meeeee

update

My mind doesn't feel my own. I feel challenged at scraping together positivity that is easily dashed by my anxieties and dark thoughts. I constantly think of my life as a waste. I circle through my days with dread for work and self-hate for the way I look and act.

Without any close friends, I've become isolated. I'm petrified of reaching out to someone new out of fear of rejection and awkward moments. How can a zombie make friends? I try to crush my discomfort by emptying my mind on television and filling my stomach with produce. This is an ex-ana current bp's sorry attempt to quell appetite and appease emotions.

I hate the loss of control I feel when my mind sinks into this state of despair. It's like I'm looking at life from the bottom of a well and I can't pull myself out to take part in life.

It's been a long time since I created anything or felt proud of who I am. I wish I could take a break from it all and rediscover who I am. The barriers seem endless.

The only respite I have from these feelings is in my boyfriend, who has finally admitted that of course he loves me. This has only begun to shine light on my own issues as, of course, love is not the solution. I worry that my relationship with myself is an end to ours. He doesn't understand what it means to be pitted against yourself. I don't want my dark cloud to be his, but he's one of the only things that can cheer me. However, his being so perfect makes me stress about even possibly being good enough.

I think the most surprising thing I learned this year is that he's never felt depressed and that there may in fact be others like him.

It's been a dark two years.

Perhaps my next post will be a recount of the year to consider the things I have done, not what I haven't.

Dear Dairy Cow

Dear Dairy Cow,

Lately, I've been very... tired. Brain and body tired, much to the point where I feel like a tenth shade of myself. Some days are good, but I can tell the amount of anxiety and lack of health has been dragging me down.

I mean it's just the constant work, like I never had a break during the summer and probably worked much harder. IN addition, there's a social and outdoor element that I don't get to explore. I worked 60 hrs a lot of weeks. I spent my weekends super tired and on off brand days where no one is available.

Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety and I had a weekly repeat mia offence over September. My skin feels saggy and I look at myself two years ago as a completely different person. One with energy for original thoughts and activities. I see myself as a very husk-like version of that.

It's caused me to have a lot of doubts about my relationship. How can I be in one while I'm in so much pain? I can't rely on that person to fix me and I'm so sad and tired all the time that I get stressed that he'll fade away regardless. When I do mention feeling depressed and stressed, I can tell he's uncomfortable having dealt with a past girlfriend threatening to swallow a bottle of pills.

On top of that, I'm super confused about the feels in general. We've yet to pop the ILU bubble. My reason being mostly that he had enough trouble expressing feels at first, and like.. what if I dont? I remember being  On top of that, I'm always just doubting why he's with me in the first place. I'm a negative shitbag, and one day I caught him just smiling while he was walking out of the grocery store. There was no one there, he was just smiling. Sometimes I think I should release him from my downer clutches so I dont ruin his happiness. I dont want to suck his lifeforce. So yes, concern concern. Hmm. On the other hand, he randomly carved K + S = <3 in a piece of linoleum which I suppose was his attempt to try to bring that up. I dont know. Someone once put that on a park bench. I wonder if it's still there.

I don't know. Just laying it out here for some therapeutic release. What do I like about my life?

Well, just did a couple recordings where I nailed a triple harm. I like where I live and Airbnbing my place. I'm looking forward to opening a brew pub. Christmas is right around the corner which means I get to shop for my fam... always enjoyable. I still need to plan a vacation. I've started doing smart financial planning things... (this chick has life insurance).

Boy comes anon. bye for now, dairy cow.

Hot n bothered

Hot summer nights (8)

I sampled some beer at Sobeys for four hours, cleaned my apartment and drafted an Airbnb. I thought my memory card got zapped but I was able to take this insufferable selfie.

A charming couple told me I sold them with a smile after asking if I just finished at Gravenhurst high. Time to pick up some minors at the bin.

NOte to self

Couple things, me.

Whenever you know you wanted to run but when it's time and you've finished your chores and it looks like it's gonna be kind of  cold and you might  not like going out there, so maybe wait til tomorrow -  just put on your spandex, sports bra and fresh socks and you will feel it.

Whenever you're sad, remember that all it takes is a quick car ride with somebody and your heart will turn over.

BSCB at the Opera House

Last night we played at the Gravy Opera House with Miranda M. It is so much spookier playing in a fully captivated audience than a loud bar with half a crowd of drunks. This was cool. We had a sparkly dressing room, food and gifts downstairs. The best pay just to play 3 songs as part of the final act in the summer gala.

I can't begin to speak to how much this family means to me. I can be totally consumed by my job, but  that feeling disappears when I go to practice, shows or try to act smart with my team at trivia.

Miranda was totally inspiring, time to pick up the old violin that randrew made me.

Life be happening.

My baby takes the morning train

It's not often that I'll admit to myself that things are going well. More often than not, I find myself cheering 'why me', instead of relishing all the good that I have in my life.

But! I guess it's true that people move at different places. Especially so when your 3 yr girlfriend dumps you at family Christmas. My emotionally latent boyfriend has moved into doteland and I am queen! The other day be admitted to me that if I had been gone a little longer he could imagine missing me. Leaps. And. Bounds.

Otherwise, it feels like I was patient and something changed. How do I feel? I feel pretty like. Awestruck. At times. I do feel some insecurities considering his massive brain, but thankfully he's enough of a goob that it works.

The other day he randomly picked me up and I was super down because of people at work laying into me after my vacation. I was quiet and tired and he just puttered around me. I felt bad for being awkward until he just sat in front of me and hugged me. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and caught up in being lonely, but he pulled me out of dark and twisty.

I still haven't told him about my big bad. I'm scared that if I do, we won't be normal. Every time I say I'm not hungry it will be because of the sickness and I'll feel compelled to change my behaviour for the wrong reasons.

It hasn't been great lately. After I got back from Spain I had three instances in a week. It's so hard not telling anyone. I haven't been able to talk about it for years.

Anyways, I guess things are good but 25 yr oldly hard.


Of course, this wouldn't be an authentic log if I didn't insert the disclaimer that I have some marginal amount of grievances to keep me company.

Sometimes I miss my real best friend.
That I was terrible to.
He'd hate that.

Achoo!

Did you just get a chill?